"THE LOAD" - The Modern Man Blog

Is anyone else pissed about InBev buying our beloved Bud? Why are we not picketing the Pentagon, why are we not rioting in the streets, why aren’t we even bitching and complaining? Granted, I haven’t been a Bud drinker for 20 years, but damn it, the KIng is as American as apple fucking pie. Its the King of Beers for Christ sake and the King used to be an American.  Now he is Belgian ands/or Brazilian. Gimme a break.  What are we gonna sell next, the MLB, the NFL, the Playboy mansion?  This blasphemous, unpatriotic act leaves us with but one option — we all have to unite, take arms and start drinking PBRs. Pabst Blue Ribbon, the drunken uncle of all beers has now taken the throne as the American King of Beers! Pabst is still American…isn’t it?

Within the next week we will be announcing the date of 2nd annual Modern Man Comedy Night at Gotham Comedy Club in NYC. If you think the boys of Modern man are funny each and every week, wait until you see them on stage. Come join us as LMB Productions and the new movie “Brutal Massacre” help sponsor a night of testosterone, humor and hubris. Ladies, you are all welcome as well, but don’t come if you are at all squeamish. It ain’t gonna be pretty.

Cesar Romero

Jack Nicholson

Heath Ledger

WALTER PROCEK!!

http://www.modernmancomedy.com/cast

Every once and a while you have to take the shit end of the stick and it was my turn. A couple nights ago my buddy and I head out to meet our friend who is with 2 ladies at the local watering hole. My buddy hooks up with one and they decide to come back to his place. The friend who introduced all of us leaves. So in order for my buddy to bang the one chick I have to entertain the other.

Now we met these girls around 12am. It’s now 2am and I’ve had to listen and participate in 2 hours worth of mindless, stupid conversation from the bar now to my buddy’s apartment. He’s now in the bedroom plugging away and oh, I forgot to mention that the one I’m talking to is rather undesirable. Then all of a sudden she goes off on this whole leftist, power fem rant about women’s rights and poor treatment in the workplace, society etc. and I’m the only guy in the room to direct this deep seeded anger and hatred towards men to. I just stand there and nod my head in agreement cause I’ve got to do everything in my power to keep her calm and my buddy carefree while he bangs her friend. Now I honestly sympathize with what she says but at 2am I’m really wishing my buddy would finish up so that they’d leave and I could pass out.

This doesn’t happen. He hasn’t been laid in a long time and he’s obviously backed up. He’s going to take his sweet ass time. After the rant is over and she calms down she waits for me to make a move. Cause naturally after 45 minutes of man bashing she assumes a guy must really be into her. She even tries to entice me by showing me the tattoo that she just got on the side of her boob and the other next to her snatch. Did I mention she was unattractive…anyway…I weighed my options.

A.) leave and then my buddy doesn’t get to finish with the friend.

B.) Stay and “talk”

C.) Suck it up and just fuck her

Well, to leave thus frustrating the girl who would then grab her friend and keeps my buddy from busting a nut as all men know is against the rules. Talking is unbearable. So option C it is. But first I have to see how much beer my friend has in the fridge that would make it possible for me to go through with it. Only a 30 pack…shit…not enough. But it was enough for me to get into a big enough drunken stupor to listen to her until 6am. At that time my friend was done. I was HAMMERED. The one I was talking to thought I was a really great listener and wanted to “talk” again sometime. They left and my friend apologized for the situation but I told him there was no need. It was all in the line of duty. Cause for guys getting laid means never having to say you’re sorry. But he owes me..big time.

Now I know all of you are saying “Couldn’t you have just fucked her cause it would have made for a lot better of a story. Why did you even tell it asshole?” And for that I apologize. But if I’m going to go through with a girl like that, she’s gotta be one for the books. She’s gotta be one that if I ever was to point her out I would never have to buy my own drinks again.

Jesus Christ Tommy Van Horn. I asked you a question a couple of months ago and you haven’t answered me yet. Now do us all a favor, pull your hands out of your pants and use them to type something!

Well it’s all over the internet now about joke thieves from past and present. Plagiarism has been going on forever but this is the first I’ve ever heard of it being exposed and talked about so much. It’s always been a huge topic amongst comics but now the general public is starting to learn. I haven’t been in the comedy game as long as you guys have but what’s your experience with this kind of thing? Have any of you guys had a joke stolen from you? Did you confront the comedian that did it?

I wouldn’t care if she’s 600 lbs., disabled with bed sores and stunk like a homeless man’s balls. I’ve still got to fuck her. This is the comment made by my friend after spotting his old high school girlfriend across the bar. You see, he’s upset that he never got to have sex with her. Let me re-phrase that, he’s upset that she wouldn’t let him have sex with her.
A difference and at the same time a sort of similarity between men and women is how we carry the experience of a first. A woman keeps a spot in her heart for the guy who took her virginity, no matter what he turns out to be. A perfect example is from the film Casino. The fact that Ginger, Sharon Stone’s character was forever under the spell of Lester, James Woods character who was her first love, sex and pimp all at the ripe age of 14, even though she had a great man Robert DeNiro’s character and anything she could ever want.
In my friend’s case it was the first girl he was supposed to fuck, but she wouldn’t let him. Not only wouldn’t she let him, but tortured him as well. Case in point. He went to the local high school. She was a catholic schoolgirl. He had been going out with her for a couple of months and she wouldn’t let him go near the pussy. The ultimate torture was when he got his license and drove her to school one day.
He pulled up and she walked out in the garb. Sweater, skirt, knee-highs and pig tails. I shit you not! It was the first time he saw her in the uniform. She was turned on as well and on the car ride let him play with her box on the drive to school. Sliding his hand up her leg, under her plaid skirt reaching for her untouched, 16 year old catholic schoolgirl snatch. But only allowed to play with it over her cotton panties. He took what he could get and drove extra slow.
They got to her school, kissed goodbye and she walked off and inside. He pulled around and stopped at the exit just as a parade of 20 nuns walked in front of his car all with dirty looks on their faces. He just smiled and put his hand to his face and took a deep sniff. Then drove off to public school with a sweet smelling hand, a raging hard-on and tear stained sleeves. He knew that was the best he was going to get out of the girl that he hoped he’d lose his virginity to.
The relationship ended when she admitted to making out with another guy. She begged and asked for his forgiveness but he’d had enough. After all is said and done she’s actually really sweet with juvenile, rebellious tendencies and massive identity problems, but still a nice girl. But my poor friend. I and my other buddies can’t help but feel sorry for the poor son of a bitch. While the rest of us were fucking around with multiple chicks he had to cry himself to sleep after beating off 4 times a night to that fucking head case. But again to his defense, she was really hot. I mean, come on, we all were beating off to her. Especially after hearing the story about driving her to school!
So now, present day my friend sees her for the first time in 10 years. She’s put on a couple LBS but still attractive. He’s told me looking back now after everything he hates her and thinks that she would probably be very uptight in bed. Basically a shitty lay, but it doesn’t matter. He still has to fuck her. She has that control over him and he knows. Hence not caring about what she looks like or what she does and he’s a guy thats had models! He has to fuck her because it’s unfinished business.

I just don’t get it. Friends of mine are dropping slowly and one by one into committed relationships and marriage. Why? I just don’t get it. I could understand if they were in their mid to late 30’s. Hell, in your 40’s sounds right to me…if it’s something that you’ve got your heart set on.

Guess what my buddies say when asked why they’re doing it? “Ahh..I dunno know…I love her and she really wants to.” Are you shitting me? These poor bastards have been beaten down so much and made to believe that this is the best that they’re ever going to get. Then along with being brainwashed that in their 20’s if they don’t marry now, they might be alone for the rest of their lives.

Women, I can understand. There biological clock is ticking and they want to pump a couple out. But do we really need to be married for that anymore? Most guys I know don’t want to have kids til they’re much older. Christ sakes, there’s shit loads of children out there that need to be adopted anyway. So having a family can be put off as well.

I’ve been told for as long as I can remember to date a lot of women and that there is no point to getting married before the age of 35. Now I’m being told 40. And do you know who’s told me this? Older women. Women who are in there 50’s and 60’s. Women who grew up, lived and took part in the feminist and equal rights movements. Women with amazing educations, careers and families. So what’s happened? What’s the rush? What’s the reason? Pre-nups are attached to almost every marriage now. Why are we even getting married? More importantly, do you have to be married to be in love? And the even crazier thing out of all of this is that half of these people are children of divorce!

Law, legislation and sex. We’ve turned over control of our sex lives to individuals that still can’t admit that they’ve inhaled when they were younger. Forget about the gallons of liquor they’ve consumed, they’re worried that their constituents will freak out if they got high. The best sex I’ve ever had was when I was high, so I can’t have much hope for these bozos determining what is and isn’t acceptable. Sex is about feeling free, even if the sex itself was paid for. So legislating sex will never work and should never be thrown off to politicians. But if we do let legislators determine what is allowed and disallowed, you know who I’m comfortable setting sexual policies — Bill Clinton.

Alright, I’m back from being in Vietnam and Cambodia for 2 weeks. It was absolutely amazing. The food was great, everything is cheap and the women were beautiful. In my last post I included the “Me So Horny” scene from Full Metal Jacket when Matt Modine and his pal are haggling with the Denang prostitute over price. You’re all wondering if this kind of thing is really true and it 100% is. After night fall there wasn’t at least 15 minutes that went by when I wasn’t being propositioned. The price has just gone up. Instead of $10 it’s now $40 “Anything You Want.” It was a huge cultural shock being propositioned like that, cause after all in New York it’ll cost you at least $400. So I was just speechless.

But to make a long story short I didn’t have sex with any Saigon, Hanoi, Hue, Nha Trang or Denang whores. Biggest reason being that 70% of them have a little thing called the “HIV” and some other VD’s that would kick the shit out of penicilon. And being that I’m in a 3rd world country there aren’t ready and available buckets of bleach to stick my junk into after I role off one of these disease ridden ladies of the evening. In the words of my older and much wiser cousin Kevin, “You spend your whole life growing your dick…so you want to fucking keep it.”

So in the end there was no fuckie, no suckie, no boom boom, no me love you long time. Just Tiger Beers, Pho with Beef, Rice Wine, Good Conversation, Atmosphere and maybe 1 or 2,…9…13…16 $3 hand jobs underneath the table in the back corner…..